
CANONICAL LIST OF "SHIT HAPPENS" Version 15/03/93


Have YOU ever wondered just WHY shit happens to you?  Well, you're not alone.
People have wondered about this fundamental question for many ages, and
everyone seems to have a different theory. So, for your reading enjoyment, we
have here a massive collection of various ways in which people have tried to
explain exactly why "SHIT HAPPENS":

===============================================================================

                                 SHIT HAPPENS

                         in various world religions
                        ---------------------------- 
 
Taoism:         Shit happens.
                If you can shit, it isn't shit.
                Shit happens, so flow with it.

Hare Krishna:   Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
                She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
                 she-it, she-it...  (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
                Please this flower and buy our shit.

Confucianism:   Confucious say, "Shit happens".
                Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
                 PROPERLY."

Buddhism:       If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
                If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
                Shit will happen again to you next time.

Zen:            What is the sound of shit happening?

7th Day Adventism:
                Shit happens on Saturdays.

Hinduism:       I've seen this shit happening before.
                This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
                This shit happening IS you.

Protestantism:  If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
                If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Calvinism:      Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Episcopalianism:
                If shit happens, hold a procession.

Lutheranism:    Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Anglicanism:    It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
                                                           
Catholicism:    If shit happens, you deserved it.
                You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholicism:
                Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you
                 anyway.

Judaism:        Why does shit always happen to US?
                Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?

Islam:          If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
                If shit happens, take a hostage.
                We don't take any shit.

Nation of Islam:
                Don't take no shit!

New Age:        That's not shit, it's feldspar.
                A firm shit does not happen to me.
                This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
                I create my own shit.
                If shit happens, honor it and share it.
                Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
                Were all part of the same shit.
                For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Wicca:          If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
                The Goddess makes shit happen.

Jehovah's Witnesses:
                No shit happens until Armaggedon.
                There is only a limited amount of good shit.
                Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
                Here, we insist you take our shit.
                Shit happens door to door.

Secular Humanism:
                Shit evolves.

Darwinism:      Survival of the shittiest.

Christian Science:
                When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
                Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
                Our shit will take care of itself.
                Shit happens in your mind.

Atheism:        I don't believe this shit!
                It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going
                 to taste it.
                Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
                No shit!


Religion from an Atheist's point of view:
                I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.

Agnosticism:    It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so
                 I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
                What is this shit?!
                How can we KNOW if shit happens?
                You can't prove any of this shit!

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
                Hey, this is good shit, mon.

Mormonism:      If shit happens, shun it.
                Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)
                Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
                Our shit is better than your shit.
                Shit happens again & again & again ...

Energizer Bunny:
                Shit happens and happens and happens and ...

Baptist:        You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
                We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist:
                Shit will happen.  Praise the lord!

Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!

Voodoo:         Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
                Let's stick some pins in this shit!
                This shit's gonna get you!

Televangelism:  Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop
                 happening...

Unitarianism:   What is this Shit?
                We affirm the right for shit to happen.
                Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
                It's not the shit that matters.  It's the process.

Orthodox:       St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in three's.

EST:            I am at cause that shit will not happen.
                You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible.
                Shit happens, but don't publish it.

Twelve Step:    Shit happens one day at a time.

Amish:          Shit is good for the soil.
                This modern shit is worthless.

Shintoism:      You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

Moonies:        Only happy shit really happens.

Stoicism:       This shit happening is good for me.

Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.

Bahaism:        Why do you keep shitting on us?

Mysticism:      This is really weird shit.

Paganism:       Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

Rajhneesh:      Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?

Satanism:       We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
                We will make your shit happen.

Witchcraft:     Mix this shit together and it will happen!

Scientology:    All this happens to be shit.
                If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.

Shamanism:      Whoaa...Holy Shit!

Sikhism:        Leave our shit alone.

Sureshism:      You are all pieces of shit.

Dianetics:      "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

===============================================================================

                                 SHIT HAPPENS

                            in other various ways	
                           -----------------------

Yuppie Shit:    It's my shit!  All mine!  Isn't it beautiful?

An Employer:    Shit happens, and rolls down hill.

An Employee:    I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
                This shit's not part of my contract.

Greenpeace:     Save this shit.

Environmentalism:
                Shit is biodegradable.
                Recycle this shit.

Beethoven's Fifth:
                * SHIT SHIT SHIT
                                \           * SHIT SHIT SHIT
                                 SHIIIIIT!!!                \
                                                             SHIIIIIT!!!

Creationalism:  ...And the Lord said "Let there be Shit"
                 ...and there came piles of it
                After six days of shit, He rested.

Darwinism:      This shit evolved.

Heisenbergism:  Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.

Mathematics:    Necessary and sufficient conditions for shit to occur are :
                 1) shit must exist and be continuous in a domain D
                 2) No shit must exceed |SHIT| on the boundary of D

Quantum Shittydynamics:
                Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

Einsteinism:    Shit is Relative.

Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
                Relatives are Shit.

Orwellism:      Some shit is more equal than other shit.

Ayn Randism:    I shit, therefore shit happens

McLeanism:      This shit has happened to me before.

Washington:     I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.

Lincoln:        Four score and seven shits ago...

Nixon:          Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything
                 about it.

Kennedyism:     Ask not what the country's shit can do for you, ask what your
                 shit can do for the country.

Reagan:         Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.

Quayle:         Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?

Clinton:        I didn't inhale this shit.
                I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....

Bush:           Read my lips: no more shit!
                Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
                This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
                This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.
                This looks like campaignrelated shit. Let Baker handle it.

Baker:          Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?

Saddam:         The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least
                 I'm still in power.

Perot:          I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.

McCarthyism:    This shit is un-American, it must testify against all other
                 communist shit.
                Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

Martin Luther King:
                Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...

Marie Antoinette'ism:
                If they cant afford bread, why dont they get shit
                 instead
                (Note : That's the real reason she got the guillotine)

Julius Caesar:  I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)

John Paul Jones:
                I have not yet begun to shit.

Armstrong on the Moon:
                Its a small piece of shit for a man, but a giant pile
                 of shit for mankind.

James Tiberius Kirk:
                ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

Computer Science:
                There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Macintosh:      (Enough said)

UNIX/C:         A core dump... Shit!

IBM/DOS:        It's shit, but it's compatible.

Fortran:         IF (SHIT.GT.SHIT**2) GO TO 50
                  ..................
                  ..................
         50      CALL SHITPOT(SHIT,RSHIT,DSHIT(1)) 

Fortran :        if ( shit .le. shit ** 2 ) then
                     ..................
                     ..................
                 else
                     call shitpot( shit, rshit, dshit(1) )
                 end if

Communism:      It's everybody's shit.

Marxism:        The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit
                 is alike.
                Dictatorship of the shit.

Capitalism:     Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
                If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.

Political (Election Time):
                Shit happens to my opponent.

Political (Term in Office):
                I recall no shit happening.

Political (Retired):
                We all knew shit happened.

Military:       Shit happens. By the numbers.

Cannibalism:    Don't eat the shit.

Vegetarianism:  If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

Hedonism:       There's nothing quite like a good shit.

Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
                Shit happening is absurd.

Realism:        I think I need to take a shit.

Optimism:       Shit happens only once.
                Lets look at the bright side of this shit ........

Pessimism:      No good ever came out of shit and this shit ain't any
                 good either
                Shit happens forever.

Denialism:      What shit?

Paranoia:       Shit happens cuz it's a plot.

Purists:        If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

Procrastinationism:
                I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

Avoidanceism:   With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.

Repressionism:  I'll hold this shit in forever.

Fatalism:       Oh shit, it's going to happen!
                Not this shit AGAIN.

Wimpism:        Aw, SHOOT !

Surrealism:     Fish!

Moilanenism:    Smells like shit of finnish fish.

Nihilism:       Let's blow this shit up!

Fetishism:      I love it when shit happens.

Masochism:      Do shit to ME.

Sadism:         I will shit on you!

===============================================================================

                                SHIT HAPPENS

                        according to the Philospohers
                       -------------------------------

Thales:         Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

Epicurus:       If shit happens, enjoy it.

Socrates:       What is shit?  Why is shit?

Aristotle:      The essence of shittyness...

Descartes:      I think, so why am I in this shit?
                I shit, therefore I am.

Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
                The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

Thoreau:        I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out
                 of life.

Sartre:         Shit is meaningless!
                What is shit, anyway?

Freudianism:    Shit is a phallic symbol.

===============================================================================

                                SHIT HAPPENS

                           in various professions
                          ------------------------

Mathematician:  Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician:   There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical):
                Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental):
                To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer:       I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist:        I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
                Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!

Biologist:      Is this shit alive?

Economist:      I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand
                 this shit.

Beurocrat:      I'm sorry, but we make this shit happen until you fill out form
                 XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy
                 Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO:            (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
                (1990's) Oooh, SHIT!

Lawyer:         For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor:         Take two shits and call me in the morning.
                Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $99.95, please...

Surgeon:        Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist:   Shit is in your mind.
                Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing
                 its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer:     It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist:
                Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Politician:     It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
                If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
                Shit happening is bad for the economy.

Waitress:       You want fries with that shit?

Musician:       This shit is out of tune.

Dean:           Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant:     Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist:       What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
                 (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)

Quality Control Inspector:
                This shit ain't good enough.

IRS Auditor:    I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer:         I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader:   Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss:     Rub the little shits out.

NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

===============================================================================

                                SHIT HAPPENS

                           in more various areas
                          -----------------------

Branch Davidians:
		I think we're in deep shit now.
		David thinks he's hot shit.
		Shit, we ain't coming out if we don't want to!
Artist:         If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.
		Mark Kostabi is a talentless shit.
		Shit, I wish I thought of that.
		Sorry, tonight I'm giving a performance and must
		 roll in this shit.
		Big Eyed Children Art is shit.
		Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.
Poet:           My childhood was shit, let me share.
		Rhyming poetry is shit, create in free verse.
		(Four hours worth of debate about shit)
		My love is like a red, red shit.
		I hyave miles to go before I shit.
		Ode to a Grecian Shit.
		To the Virgins, that they make the most of shit.
		My last shit, hangs there on the wall...
Painter:        I forgot to wash out my brush, now it's shit.
Politician:     My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.
		No New Taxes!
		I will fix this shit more efficiently than my opponent.
		My opponent is a shit.
		I did not do any of those shitty things.
		I did not inhale that shit.
Dog:            All I do is eat, sleep and shit.
		That is not my shit in the corner. It is the cat's.
		I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.
		This Alpo tastes like shit. But I like it.
		When I catch a car, it will shit!
		Oh shit, I caught it!
Cat:            Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?
		Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.
		Stop feeding me shit, I want caviar.
		I think I am great and you are shit.
		Dogs are shit. 
		I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete.
		 And never in the corner. It is the dog's.
Fish:           All I do is eat, swim and shit.
		This life is shitty.
		Always the same dried shit for dinner?
Snake:          If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.
Boss:           (evil) Do as I say, useless shit that you are.
		Your work is shit.
		You may only shit during coffee breaks.
		(good) Aw shit, take the whole day off!
		I think we can get away with this shit.
Teacher:        Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?
		Custer's last words were "Shit..."
		My salary is shit.
		These children are little shits.
Botanist:       What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.
Punk rocker:    Everything in the universe is shit.
		(UK) The Queen is shit!
		All cops are shit.
Royalty:        When they hear about the Windsors, we're all in deep shit.
		Camilla is a shit.
		During the polo match, he got covered in shit.
		Would you like some scones with that shit?
Cook:           It needs some more of this green shit.
		I burned the hell out of that shit.
		This tastes like shit.
		I can't believe they ate all that shit.
		Don't eat the parsley, you stupid shit.
		These people would eat any kind of shit is you
		 make them pay $$$ for it!
Disk Jockey:    I will not play that shit.
		This is the newest rage: The Shit.
		Dig this funky shit, radioheads.
		B-sides are usually shit.
		Getting up at 3 am to goto work is shitty.
		I can't say "shit" on the air.
		The FCC are a bunch of shits.
Model:          I can't believe I must wear that shit.
		I'm tired of macrobiotic shit, gimme a DingDong.
		Shit, it's a zit.
		You can't pay me enough to sleep with that shit.
		Paulina treated me like shit yesterday.
		Going on interviews is shit.
		This makeup artist made me look like shit.
		When I wake up, I look like shit just like you do.
Mechanic:       This carburator is a piece of shit.
		Your tires are shit.
		Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.
Acupuncturist:  This will really get the energy shit moving.
		Hold still or it will hurt like shit.
		You eat too much greasy shit.
		Let all that shit go.
		Be glad God is in bowel movements.
		The world is full of shit, but you don't have to
		 absorb any of it.
Creep:          I'm not a shit, you are!
		Shit on you.
		I slept with your sister and she's shitty in bed.
Postal Worker:  Let's see how much they'll pay for shitty service.
		Will they pay $0.29 for one shitty stamp?
		In rain, sleet, snow, shit and dark of night.
		These Sears catalogues are heavy as shit.
Technician:     The problem is not in the wires, your machine's shit.
		Viruses are shit.
		I don't want to get toner shit on my tie.
		This stupid shit sprayed his hard drive with WD-40 (tm)!
		You wouldn't believe the expensive shit this fool
		 left on the disk.
		This shit calls for an expensive replacement part. 
alt.humor.reader:
		I am tired of reading about shit.
		This shit isn't funny.
		I'm going to read alt.humor.funny, now that's funny shit!
		I think alt.humor.funny is shit.
		Do lemurs shit?
		Here is a joke with the word "shit" in it.
		Oh shit, another cascade!
		I am spending my entire work day reading this shit.
		I could write funnier shit than that!

===============================================================================

                         THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS

                          for Sanitation Engineers
                          ------------------------

0th:            There is shit.
1st:            You can't get rid of it.
2nd:            It gets deeper.
3rd:            A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.

KEEP SHOVELING!!

===============================================================================

                              SHITTING SYNONYMS

grunt
lose some weight
power dump
chase a brown trout down the river
honk out a dirt snake
squeeze the cheese
pinch a loaf
grind some beef
lay some cable
lay some lumber
lay a land mine
launch a torpedo
drop a depth charge
nuke it
brownulate
beach a whale
drop a log
leave a message in the ebony telephone
parking your breakfast/lunch/dinner
strangle a darkie
launch a Scud
launch a Scud with a chemical warhead
sink an Iraqi battleship
